Dating Tips

Dating can be difficult. How can a successful single mom, or mature professional woman hit the jackpot when it comes to dating and ultimately finding love? It’s possible…there are so many aspects related to dating that women need to explore and even conquer to be successful while dating. So let’s begin!

Conversations With My Ex

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So believe it or not, you can have conversations, not arguments with your ex! I must admit this is not an overnight feat!  I was not fortunate enough to have an amicable divorce. I know a few persons who have been able to do so. Notice I said a few! It is possible, I believe, but you know as in most things related to marriage it takes two! LOL!!

I can write about it now, but during those early days, weeks, months and years of separation and divorce, it was painful…dreadful…heart-rending to have a conversation with my ex.

First of all, he was always too busy to talk!

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He never wanted to talk. Ladies, ladies, you know how we like to talk! At least most women loooovvvveee to talk! He seemed to be enjoying his newly found freedom too much to have time to talk!

Secondly when we did begin a discussion, it would become an argument!

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The few times we were able to initiate a discussion about meaningful topics related specifically to my daughter, financial support, assets, it would end up in an argument and raised voices. I wish I could say I didn’t raise my voice too. But I did! I was so frustrated, stressed out. And then once things escalated, in the middle of the conversation, I would literally here the phone go “click!” Yep, he would hang up the phone! This was his modus operandi during all serious and intense conversations. We would go back and forth, me calling and talking, and then his hanging up! I can write about it, laugh about it…NOW!

Third, we had hour long conversations.

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Strange right, moving from not really conversing, to hour long conversations! Those conversations did not happen often, maybe like after the first year post separation. Those conversations would be interesting, there would be no raised voices! They would be civil discourses, if you want to call it that. In those “discourses” we would actually talk about our child, events that were happening in our lives (minus of course any significant other) and our families’ lives.

Finally, money conversations, hmm…

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Then there would be the financial conversations, these would be the ones that related specifically to any money to be spent with respect to maintenance of our daughter. These conversations of course would always become super-heated! I need to write a totally different article for this topic!!

I do not know the content of the conversations with your ex or soon to be ex. What I can say… it gets better! You get older, he gets older. You get mature and your ex, really, he or she gets mature! Time allows us all to heal and to grow, including your ex!

My faith in God and praying played a tremendous role in getting over the harsh words expressed in those conversations. Praying for myself and my own healing and yes, even praying for my ex. As much as you may blame your ex-spouse or partner for the demise of your relationship, you also had a role to play. I also had a role to play in the demise of my relationship.  Afterall it takes two. Granted someone chose not to work on your relationship…but sometimes, believe it or not, that choice was the best choice that they could have made for themselves and for you.

Today over ten years later, I can actually look forward to conversations with my ex, and one day you will too!

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Godly Women Love Sex Too!

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Who said that? Must be a typo!! Godly women are some of the most sexually vibrant women out there! Who would have thought! But it’s something that we, I, have always known!

From way back in the day until now, the image has persisted of christian women being prudish, wearing outdated clothing etc. Then somehow…somewhere… this image was transferred into the bedroom, and resulted in the perception of these women as being asexual (having no sexual feelings or desires).   Interestingly the times have changed, styles and fashions evolved, and yet, the perception of christian women as being overly conservative and uptight has not! Today even some so called “christian” men do not desire, or are even attracted to Godly women.  Quel dommage! Their loss!

Some of the most exciting and fun persons I know are my very christian, God-faring female friends! If truth be told, I have had friends from all walks of life, diverse ethnic, religious and racial backgrounds. But I must admit that the most heart-felt enjoyment has been with my christian girlfriends. Is that hard to believe? After all, what do Godly women do for fun besides pray and look serious? LOL!!

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There are many stereotypes of women in the church and persons who believe in God, generally. These stereotypes range from being overly conservative to outright boring or from being hypocritical and super judgmental to being overly loose and lacking moral sensibilities. A wide range of views persist! But as with most stereotypes there may be a modicum of truth and the rest is mainly untruth!

The truth.  Well, the truth is that christian women are simply women who believe in God, love God and are not afraid to show it! Hmm! A christian woman has feelings and emotions as do all women, and bases her life on God, not simply depending on her husband or family, work, or even friends to validate her existence. A Godly woman fears God and places her entire trust in Him. As soon as she begins to do that her life changes exponentially! It does not mean that she lives a problem free life. It does mean that when problems arise she knows that she does not have to depend on herself but, definitely can rely on God to solve her problems.

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A wise man once said (well actually King Solomon to be precise) “Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised (Proverbs 31: 30). This biblical advice truly speaks to the character and the sexuality of christian women. A  cursory reading of Proverbs 31 provides a description of an extraordinary woman who dutifully and extravangantly attends to the needs of her home,  family and employees, dresses stunningly, manages several business endeavors successfully and elevates her husband. The closing lines of the chapter, say that what makes that woman truly special, even extending beyond her beauty is her fear of God. Her fear of God distinguishes her from all other women, her children bless her and her husband praises her.  

Fast forward to today’s christian woman who now has a wide range of choices in fashion and styles.  A woman who places her trust in God, is confident and loves  herself and her body is a truly sexy woman. As a matter of fact, christian women today, are known to be some of the classiest and well-dressed women out there! A woman who is grounded in Christ and secure in her own skin is one of the most sexually attractive women in the world. Take it from me, there are lots of christian women who love God, love themselves and love sex too!

5 Reasons To Call It Quits

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It’s Not You It’s Me! How many times have you heard this line!  Breaking up is hard to do for sure! So last evening I was watching this movie where the girl, after having dated a guy for 5 plus years, breaks up with him because he was unambitious. And then, lo and behold, surprise, surprise, within 6 months he gets engaged and marries someone else!  Sounds familiar to you? Hmm….

Think about it…If you are right now in a relationship with someone for many years (I am not talking necessarily about one or two years, more than that) and you are still dealing with the same issues from 5 years ago, then it’s definitely time to evaluate your options! Most times you keep thinking the other person will change and realize what a great person or great catch you are. Just one more day, one more time, but it doesn’t happen. So maybe, just maybe, it could be time to move it. And here’s 5 reasons why you may need to end your relationship.

Reason # 1 You can’t change the one you love

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You can’t change anyone. As human beings, we love to believe that we can miraculously change people’s personalities, characteristics etc. I can’t, you can’t. The only person who can change the ones we love is themselves! He or she must be willing to change for himself or herself!!

Reason # 2 You have outgrown the relationship

You have grown. Your partner has grown. You are not, he or she is not the same person who started this relationship. Time, life experiences and trials change us all. You need to acknowledge those changes and move on Caveat: This advice let me stress, is mainly for unmarried, single individuals. Do not tell your current spouse that you have outgrown them and you need to leave after reading this article!

Reason # 3 You are unhappy

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You are not happy. Your significant other is not happy. Or they may be happy…who knows!! What is happiness anyway?  A feeling mainly.  Here’s the thing (wait for it)…no one can make you happy. I am sure you have heard this before! Your happiness comes from within. So guess what, if you are not happy, it is really not about the other person, the problem is you! You are your biggest problem. Figure out what makes you happy and soon!

Reason # 4 You can do better!

Your family and friends keep saying, “You can do better” or “Move on.” My advice here is a little mixed. On the one hand, you want to be respectful and thoughtful to your family members and friends, who certainly love you and want you to be happy. On the other hand, you also know and understand the person your partner/boyfriend/girlfriend better than they do. Navigating this path is a little trickier. Ultimately it boils down to who do you think has your best interests at heart? In other words, who do you think really loves you the most?  And if truth be told, you already know the answer to this question.

Reason # 5 Fear of Failure

Get over your fear of failing, not falling, but failing in love again… and having to start over. No one wants to fail or be deemed a failure especially in relationships, especially since you believed this was really the one!  I firmly believe that the person who God has designed for you will find you or you will find them.

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So there you have it, 5 reasons why you may need to break up. Take your time, pray, pray about your decision, after all you do not want to hurt anyone unnecessarily.  Everything reveals itself in time. People also show you who they really are over time. If you have been in the same relationship for many, many years (with marriage seemingly nowhere in sight), ask God for His wisdom right now. Let Him be the one to guide your decision to stay, or to move on. God knows your value and He knows who He has chosen especially for you. Trust Him!

Dating 101

Dating can be difficult. However, dating as a single mom, older than 40 can be even more tricky, to say the least! You also have to factor in your needs, and that of a child or children when finding the right partner. The pool of eligible candidates are also smaller. So how can a successful single mom, or mature professional woman hit the jackpot when it comes to dating and ultimately finding love?

There are several things you need to know before you jump into the dating pool (figuratively of course)! Here are 4 questions you need to ask yourself before you can find love after 40:

Why date?

Really , why do you want to date? Are you in search of a lifelong companion or just someone to hang out with? Your reasons for dating will determine how successful your dating life will be. When I started to date again after my divorce, I really just wanted to be out of the house. My ex had moved on and I knew that I needed to move on too! So definitely I just wanted company to spend time with besides my daughter! Again why do you want to date? Be honest with yourself!

Who should I date?

What are the characteristics of the person you want to date? Physically what does that person look like? What sort of personality does he or she have? Do you expect your date to be a caring and honest person? Some women, for example, still expect men to open car doors, pull their chairs, etc? Some of society’s liberated women may not require men to meet those expectations. What are your expectations? You need to decide upon the attributes that matter most to you in a mate or someone you choose to spend time with.

Where can I go?

Dates can be anywhere! You can visit restaurants, go on outdoor dates, picnics in parks, by the seaside or lake. You can be adventurous and maybe go hiking, bike riding, kayaking or snorkeling. You can attend theatrical productions, visit the library, museums, science centers, attend a special church event. You can even have dinner and movie dates using Zoom or other video conferencing tools! These types of movie dates should be especially fun, since you will actually be able to converse with each other throughout the entire movie, unlike being at an actual cinema!

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Am I willing to listen?

And finally, be willing to listen! You must be willing to share and connect emotionally with your date. Notice I did not say connect physically! At least not the first night! Being over 40 (hopefully) would have provided you with enough life experiences to really want to know your date first! Ladies, ladies, ladies….. Ladies, we looooove to talk, especially on dates! It is more important to listen, than to speak. Listening provides an opportunity to really get to know your date. In order to build lasting relationships, we really need to listen to persons, and in this case, listen to what your date is saying.

Following this advice, I believe, will improve your love and dating life if you are over 40. Happy dating!

Sex After 40!

Sounds exciting right! I am going to be describing all the different sexual positions that work best when you are having sex after 40 years old. Gotcha!! This is not that kind of blog! However I will be describing what sex means to me as a 40 plus year old female.

As a woman, I am a sexual being. I was created from a loving sexual relationship and have also birthed a child from a loving sexual relationship.  Sex is a natural part of every woman’s (and man’s) life. It is really important to verbalize and accept that we are all sexual beings. Now let’s talk about what sex is really like when you are over 40.

Sex Is About Being In A Loving Relationship

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Turning 40 was great! I know many of my friends lamented turning the big “40” but I was ecstatic! I felt liberated! I felt like I had weathered many storms and that I had finally reached a turning point in my life. At forty, I was surrounded by lots of love and loving relationships. I was in a loving relationship with a significant other. I was in a loving relationship with my family. I was in a loving relationship with my child. I was in loving relationships with my friends (males and females). I truly felt loved and knew I was loved every day. Conversely, being in an unloving relationship, especially when you are going through a divorce and contending with an ex-spouse really helps you to appreciate loving relationships.

Sex Is About Loving Your Body

Yes, sex is about loving my body. I am amazed at the way that most men love and revere their own bodies, flaws and all! From a very early age boys are taught to be confident, aggressive and strong. Girls are taught to be delicate, modest and tempered.  Somehow this translates, at least for women, into being dependent upon someone else to validate our self-worth. I have tried to understand and explain this phenomena for several years! Anywho…in order to have a viable and vibrant sexual experience, I need to love myself, love my imperfect body. Women over 40 need to love themselves.

Sex Is Linked To Your Spirituality

Sex and spirituality, hmm…These two words should not even be in the same sentence! Growing up in a conservative christian home and environment, sex was not considered a spiritual topic. According to the Bible, and I paraphrase, Adam literally jumped up and down in the Garden of Eden when he saw Eve. Then God performed the first marriage ceremony. The institution of marriage and sex between and the first male and female was sanctioned by God. I dare say, the closer we are to God, the more powerful and exciting our sexual journey!

At forty (plus), I can truly say that I love the sexual woman who I have become. Sex is a natural and beautiful part of life.

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10 Reasons Not to Get Married

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I got married in my 30s!  It was a new and exciting experience and definitely on my bucket list. However after a few years of being married and a series of unfortunate marital events, I divorced my husband. It was a long and painful process. During that time, I fortified my heart against being hurt again and decided that I would not be getting married. In this article I am going to list 10 reasons why I decided not get married again.

Reason #1 Avoiding the hurt

Getting divorced hurts. Getting a divorce is emotionally, psychologically and even physically painful. At times if felt as if I was having a mental breakdown and at other times it felt as if my heart was breaking. Divorce has been linked to the grief that you experience when you lose a loved one. Divorce, felt like I was dying, but still alive! Every day that I saw or interacted with my former spouse was a hurtful reminder of the relationship I once had, that failed miserably!

Reason #2 Human beings are deceitful

Yes all human beings lie, spouses lie. There are few persons I can trust completely in this life. Marriage after all is ultimately about trust. Many persons marry persons who they like and claim to love, but do not trust. There is really no love without trust. Unfortunately by the time I knew the difference it was too late. Getting divorced helped me to discern the truth from lies and to build lasting relationships with persons whom I could trust.

Reason #3 You gain independence

Being unmarried allows me to sleep in late, not make up my bed for days on end, leave the toilet seat down (ladies you know what I am talking about)! I am also free to make decisions on the spur of the moment without having to consult anyone, or worry about what my in-laws think! That freedom is invaluable! I value my independence!

Reason #4 Less conflict

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Married couples disagree all the time. I have heard some couples say things like they never argue, they are “mostly on the same page.” I say they are lying! All couples disagree! You are two different human beings from completely different worlds, coming together to live under the same roof. Conflicts are inevitable! Being unmarried takes away a lot of conflict.

Reason #5 Improved spirituality

Marriage contrary to popular opinion is not just about making yourself happy. Marriage is also about your spiritual growth. Unfortunately many married couples, including myself while married, focus on their own happiness and not their partners’ happiness. This begins a never ending vicious cycle of unhappiness. God is the source of true happiness. Being unmarried gives me more time to spend with God.

Reason #6 You love yourself more

In marriage, I was dependent on the affirmations and demonstrations of love and affection from my spouse. What happened when I did not receive the constant affirmations or see acts of love? I believed that I was not loved. This in turn made me unhappy and sullen and I deduced that I was “unlovable.” Being unmarried gave me the time to truly love and appreciate myself, by myself!

Reason #7 Better health

This reason may be a little controversial but here goes…Some studies have shown that married couples live longer. Other studies have shown that single persons live longer. We all want to live longer healthier lives. In my experience single, unmarried persons are less stressed than their married counterparts. And yes, stress reduces the overall quality of your life. Unmarried persons live less stressful and healthier lives.

Reason #8 More open minded

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Being on my own forced me to become more open-minded and sympathetic to others and their experiences. If anyone had told me that one day I would have been divorced, I would have called them a bold-faced liar and doomsday prophet. Yet here I am today, divorced, and a single mom! My experiences post-divorce have allowed me to meet and become friends with an amazing group of people from diverse backgrounds who have gone through similar experiences.

Reason #9 You become a new person

My post-divorce personality and pre-divorce personality are different. Not totally…but different for sure! After coming out of (or going through) a divorce, I was hurt, messed up, damaged goods, need I say more. On the other hand, I was also stronger, older and wiser. I promised myself that the next time  I met someone who I was interested in, I would do the research on my potential mate. I would speak with their family, friends, co-workers etc. An old proverb says, “Marry in haste, repent at leisure.” I have lots of time on my hands, now that I am no longer married! And finally,

Reason #10 It makes sense not to remarry

I have a teen daughter now. If I have children and my new spouse has children, then I have to think about what happens if I die. What happens to my daughter? Does she become the responsibility of my new spouse or my ex-spouse?  What happens to my assets and properties? Will my daughter be well taken care of? These are questions that will need to be answered. Some persons may be too blinded by their new love to even think that far ahead!

So there you have it!  Ten reasons why I will not get remarried. I think it would make a great movie! That’s it for now,  until next time…

Sex Talk For Church Girls

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About a year ago, I decided to write about my sexual journey as a girl growing up in church, “a church girl.” For many years that’s just who I was, a church girl. I did not have a relationship with God, at least,  not like I do now. So where do I start?

I was born in the twin island republic of Trinidad and Tobago into a christian family. Sex was not discussed, at least NOT with children, and was considered a taboo topic! Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on the way you look at it, sex is tied up so intricately with each one of our lives. Just when I was about seven years old (there was no sex-ed classes in school), my mother bought me a book ( I will not give the title yet) that explained puberty and the processes that a young girl’s body goes through, and of course, clinically explained about sexual intercourse and the child birth process. And by the way, my parents were considered pretty liberal for their time!!

After reading the book, it seemed straight forward enough. Definitely doable! A bit scary but doable! And thus began my coming of age story. I would later learn a lot more from my friends, television, and watching other adults around me in their relationships.

I definitely did not feel like God was actively involved in any of the activities related to bodily changes and child birth. There were times in church when different leaders tried to address these topics but they were considered a too “radical” and “open” minded at the time. Afterall it seemed like we could pray to God and ask questions about somethings and not others. Sex being one of them!

Today I understand, that a woman’s sexuality and whole sexual being is tied to her perception of sex. Even as I write, I feel incompetent to complete these articles. What if I run out of things to say? My brother and my friends would say, “Who you? Impossible!” The series of articles that I will be penning (typing) hopefully, will help all the young ladies growing up in church who wanted to talk about sex but who couldn’t. And all the mature women who have embraced their sexuality and who can. 

Christmas And The Singlehood Disease

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Being single at Christmas is a curse! At least that is what I have been told and led to believe all my life. There were times I hated Christmas. Yes, hated! I know hate is a really strong word. The truth is, even at 40 plus years, I have been single for most of my life. What a travesty! Or is it??

Jesus was single. Somehow we seem to gloss over that fact or kind of reason that because he died at the young age of 33 (teenagers would not call that young) that he really never got the opportunity to be in a relationship, so his being single does not count! But I reckon it does.

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So again Jesus  was single. Somehow people view singlehood as a curse or a sickness. Yet Jesus was not sick. So, just to illustrate, my friend describes an incident at her home church when she was listening to a sermon about singlehood. During the service my friend noticed that while the pastor was speaking her sister, who is married and was seated next to her kept gently rubbing her back in circular motions with intermittent words of comfort and assurances such “Yes”, “True”, “Ah”, “Poor thing”. It was then that my friend realized that her sister was actually comforting her in her singlehood! I believe her sister had only the purest intentions whilst “comforting” my friend and when my friend recounted this incident about the singlehood disease (SD), we both had a good laugh!

That being said, I now fully enjoy Christmas! No, Christ was not born at Christmas. That’s a fact. However, it is a fact that Jesus came and died for us all, just not at Christmas time. For that I am truly grateful. Grateful for his sacrifice and truly grateful to be single.

35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

38 For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,

39 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:35, 38, 39.